Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I have had a rough time with Mother’s Day for 20 years. That’s a long time. A dear friend of mine told me today, “Time to let go of that hold she has on you…”
My friend is right. I just haven’t figured out how to do that yet.
20 years ago, probably in the February-March time frame, I excitedly announced to my parents that I was moving cross country, from California to Florida. I had thought about it a long time, I had friends there, and the time was right for me to make such a change.
I made the three-hour trip to their place one Friday after work. I took them to dinner at their favorite local haunt. Once dinner was done, I shared my news, expecting support and undying love.
That did not happen. Quite the opposite in fact. The mother became terribly angry. She accused me of telling them in a public place so she would have to “behave” (I later learned what THAT meant!) Try as I might, I could not convince them that I was unhappy in my current situation. Why? Because…”All you need is your family. I don’t know why you always have to go looking for things you don’t need. You always do that. You don’t appreciate any of us!”
I stayed until Sunday afternoon, as which point I had to get out of there. The anger and hostility was too much to bear. It never eased up. In 19 years, it never eased up.
I moved in September and made a new life for myself. The next 19 years were spent at the receiving end of a furious mother. As each year passed, it became worse. I didn’t return to visit after a while because I didn’t feel I needed that kind of hatred in my life. Every trip I did make left me battered and bruised emotionally.
I came to dread all holidays. Mother’s Day. Father’s Day. Christmas. Thanksgiving. Every single one of them.
She died a year ago April. The dread did not. I spent most of Mother’s Day crying and angry. Not because she is gone, because so many have loving mothers who they would walk through fire for. It pains me to know that I will never have that experience. Facebook is really good about showing all the love out there. I need to stay off Facebook on holidays.
I hate that she still has that hold over me. I picture her, wherever she ended up, pointing at me and laughing about it. She always told me that she would haunt me. For now she does. For now, until I learn how to release myself.
Summer has hit Florida. Not, you know, like August Summer…I’d call this May Summer. In April. August summer is hell on earth. May summer is warm enough to be uncomfortable, but nice in the evenings.
I have put away the leggings and taken out the skirts. The fans are dusted and going. My home and wardrobe are switched over to summer mode. My water consumption is increasing.
Water consumption? Yes! The warmer it gets, the more water I drink.
My grandfather (who I always called Papa) used to drink ice tea in the winter and hot coffee in the summer. He reasoned that the liquids helped maintain his body temperature and keep him from becoming too hot or too cold. I remember telling him that was crazy. It was a blistering hot 110+ day in July, and he had stopped by the house for lunch. He ate his sandwich, drank steaming hot coffee from his thermos, and tried to explain to my why it worked for him. I’m still not sold on that one.
What I can tell you, now that I’m a grown up and all, is that when it’s warmer, I feel more thirsty. My water consumption jumps about a third. A THIRD! And maybe it’s my Papa’s influence on me, or maybe it’s in the genes, but…I don’t drink ice water. I like my water room temperature…even if that room is 90 degrees. I don’t care much for cold drinks or drinks that are overly hot. Call me Goldilocks, I like the liquid temperature just right. Unless it’s white wine. Wine should always be chilled. And Moscow Mules. And Bloody Marys…
Now, let’s talk about my water habit. I drink a lot of water. Still water, sparkling water with no sodium or calories, and herbal tea. I shoot for half my body weight in ounces each day. Yes, I said half. Yes, depending on how things are going in my life, that is often a lot of water.
(Side note: when you drink that much water, you need to pace yourself. If you don’t, you will be up every half hour all night long. Find your cutoff time and stick to it. Trust me. Learn from me. )
During the winter, I hit about 40-60% of that goal. Now that it’s warmer? I’m getting closer. Every day I drink a little bit more. Yes, I count. I have an app that I track it in. I can look at a glass and guess pretty darn close how many ounces it will hold. I have cups and glasses that I drink from daily so I don’t have to guess. Obsessed? No. Accurate!
Water is good for the body. It makes our skin look and feel better. It washes our insides. It gives toxins a way to exit the body. It helps with the poops. Water is a good thing.
Now that the days are longer, I will begin walking again. That means even more water. Water helps maintain your weight, it helps keep you from dehydrating, it’s just plain good for you.
My general rule is, IF I have something with caffeine or alcohol, I drink that much more water to counteract it. OK, I have caffeine once or twice a month. I have alcohol once or twice a week. I always have extra water when I indulge. Which I do. On occasion.
I am working on getting my water consumption back up to par before I begin using my new beauty regimen. Water will only help! Let’s face it, I lack any kind of regimen right now, so ANYTHING will help, right?
Drink your water. It’s good for you!
2,000 new Beauty Advisors are being processed today (I’m number 2,086 when last I saw the number.) I should be processed in the next few weeks, and rumor has it my kit will ship today or tomorrow.
Having stalked my bank account all morning, watched a movie, and partook in some quality time with the kitties, I decided I should leave the house and find something worthwhile to do. Like get a cup of tea, put gas in the car, pay a couple bills, write a blog post…When I got outside, something caught my eye. My mailbox was exploding with Happy Mail.
What is Happy Mail? Mail that makes you happy, of course! Today’s mail brought me a skirt I bought from a direct sales gal I know (it’s blue, and it’s fabulous,) new business cards, nail wraps, and a lovely gift from a fabulous friend. I couldn’t wait, I had to open it all IN MY CAR! I found the overflowing mailbox when I was leaving the house, so that kinda made sense.
All these envelopes of happiness made me smile really big, and it really did brighten my day. You could say, it made me happy!
Who doesn’t like new, shiny things that make them happy?
(If you’re new here, I first introduced Herman in Derailed on May 31. I talked about him again a few times, including in Yearly Doctor Visit on January 27, 2017. Herman is the area of my head that began as a concussion, but I now know is a skull fracture. It’s fascinating to me how the brain and body works. Making him a person in my life has helped me cope with much better than when he was simply “the lump”. Don’t fall of a ladder and you won’t have to worry about having a Herman in your life!)
Herman has been quiet for a while. He behaved, he let me sleep at night (with my head on a pillow sometimes!) he didn’t bother me during the day, in fact, I kind of forgot about him…I figure he was on vacation. Maybe a cruise, or a trip abroad. Wherever he was, I was happy for the solitude…
…He’s back. He’s back and he obviously doesn’t like what I’ve been up to! Herman needs a new hobby. It began on Friday when things got really crazy and hectic at work. I was working the register, ringing up people who had just finished their fabulous experience at our shop. The rest of the staff was working on helping them get packed up and re-configuring our space to accommodate a class of 18 people the next day. It was a huge undertaking.
As luck would have it, I got too many questions from too many people, plus the phone began ringing and customers needed attention. Suddenly, it was as if I was moving in slow motion. Everything around me was moving at super speed and I was unable to do anything but observe. I quickly realized that this was not good, and removed myself from the chaos. I went back to the register, ignored the phone and focused on one customer at a time.
Within about twenty minutes, the store was cleared out, the area re-set, and Herman was bothering me. The tingly sensation was back, and the dull throb began. He’s been with me for four days now. He doesn’t want me putting my head on a pillow, he’s a bit sore, and he’s reminding me to slow the heck down!
Herman really amazes me. This fellow who lives in my head and reminds me to step back, slow down, and behave. I had a hectic week last week, and he stepped in. It’s a love/hate relationship I have with Herman. Most of the time his timing stinks. I have a lot on my plate right now and need to keep a pace. He loves me enough to make me slow down and not keep a pace.
Oh Herman. Whatever will I do with you?
I had a birthday this past week. 51. 5-1. I lived to tell the tale! I had a very nice week, filled with friendship, excellent wine, fabulous food and celebrations. I received some nice gifts too! The best one might have been a home cooked meal. Seriously. A meal that I did not have to cook, complete with dessert! mmmm…Happy birthday to me!
2016 goes down in the history books as being the most emotionally draining year ever! I am happy to wear a “Survivor” badge and be done with it!
Falling off the ladder was the easy part. Who woulda thunk it?
Brain injuries take time, and I have little patience. There are many things I now have to do differently. That’s ok. I can still do things!
The mother died in April. The emotional aftermath of that was (still is a bit) trying. Both my brother and I have suffered much anger. For a long time, I allowed myself to yell at her once a day. I do that a lot less often now.
My sweet niece went and had herself a baby a few weeks early in September. A little boy named Leo, who has the cutest little smile and giggle. My brother and sister-in-law are amazing grandparents, the kind we really didn’t have. Although our grandparents weren’t old when we born, they were. We as society are much younger at our age than they were at our age. Leo is the bright, shining light in a year of…2016. For everyone.
The father died after Thanksgiving. Another shock. I was sitting at home on Saturday evening when my brother called about 9:30. I had talked to him earlier that evening, so the horrible sense of dread washed over me. Apparently he died at dinner. Truth be told, he did love to eat. So that’s a good thing. He managed to hang around long enough to meet Leo. That’s a good thing too. His years of bad health are now behind him, and he and the mother can live in peace.
I didn’t get back to walking, and I took one yoga class. Now I feel like I didn’t get back to walking and took only one yoga class!
My direct sales business is still part-time. I go back and forth between low and high income producing months. I really am not consistent. Gotta work on that!
I saw 2017 in with a bang…actually, sound asleep. I feel asleep at 5:30pm New Years Eve, woke around 8pm, was asleep again by 10pm. It left as quietly as it came, and I let the door bang it on the ass on the way out.
Here’s to 2017! A bright, shiny new year full of promise, hope, love, and peace. I have great plans. I will become physically active again. I signed up for a 5K in March, so I’d better! I will grow my direct sales business. I will make new friends to invite to my cool Facebook group. I am doing the 6-Week Intentional Action Course, and while I’m behind a week, I’m still in. I will go to bed earlier and get up earlier so I can get more done in a day. I will lose some weight before my niece’s wedding. Yes, we get a wedding this year! I will blog consistently and figure out all the other social media stuff that baffles me. I will re-brand myself, relaunch my biz, and relaunch ME!
2017 will be amazing!
Friday morning, a reminder popped up on my phone first thing:
Yes, that was, and still is, my pet name for my mother. I said the “F” word and threw my phone down. Then I cried a little. I’m not really sure why I cried. Sadness at what was never there? Anger for what was? I’m not sure. I promptly put it out of my mind.
Saturday morning I got a message from my brother:
“First thing when grabbing my phone I check FB. 1st notification: Today is (insert mother’s name) birthday. Help her to celebrate it. 70 years old. Fuck.”
I laughed. I messaged him back that I got a reminder yesterday. Then I called him and told him I’d never heard him use that word before.
We laughed about how the reminders made us react. I guess that’s healthy? Are we healing? He said he always remembers hers and the father’s birthdays because they are double digits. Hers is 10-22. The father’s is 11-11. Then he realized that 11×2=22. We laughed some more. Then I said, “This takes their whole co-dependent thing to a new level!”
We then decided that we were going to file this and get on with our days. His daughter had just arrived with his new grandson, and he was going to go be the amazing grampa that he is. I relaxed, snuggled with the cats, and had a nice day as well.
We have now survived the first Mother’s Day and first birthday. We’re getting better at it I think. I try really hard not to let her have any of my glitter anymore.
PS, anyone know how to disable a FB profile that no one knows the login or password to?